gender struggles 19/12/25
okay, i dont know how to explain this, like im fine witgh being a girl, i like the aestheitic, i like the community, i like the vibes.
but sometimes i get this inescapible feeling that something is wrong and like actually NO? or liek im scrolling on pinterest and i see something about being a transman and it sends me into an spiral. like today i saw this (1) and then i started crying?
or like ill see something boyish (because its always being a boy) and i get filled with this deep jealousy. but that doesnt make sense cause like i hate boys and they suck. but like also, i saw this(11{it fit better}) right now and felt that weird jealous feeling in my stomach, like????
and this(3)too, i felt all yearny and stuff, like i missed it? I CANT MISS SOMETHING IVE NEVER EXPERIENCED?!?
but i miss being a little boy, playing around in mud and hanging out with other boys my age, and i miss by fuckass bowlcut, and being a little blond boy. and i miss my dirty little shoes and fuxk now im crying. and i feel all sick and achey. im on my period sorry if this is super emotional.
sometimes i feel like all the characters i have (beron and carlial and callo and oan, and oscar, and farley and the rest) are just... idk how to describe it? projections of my envy? like i want to be a rude, funny, clueless smart boy, like i want that? i think? sometimes? and i cant have it so they can? this is so hard to describe.
i feel sick i wanna go have a shower. i feel like i smell bad. maybe i wont make this accesible, maybe its just for me, to look back on. ill add some other pictures down below, just to look at myself.
maybe my gender envy is just my brother. like... sitting in a rusty old truck, drinking whiskey and smoking marlboro reds. having messy brond hair, and gross room, and. idk, sometimes i wish i had his childhood instead.
i want skimmed knees. i want bandages, and bloody hands. i want split lips and bags under my eyes, i wanna be gross and weird and have that be totally normal, i want men to treat me like one of them, for them to laugh at my jokes and stuff. what did clarice call it??? "male bonding". i want that.